White Squirrels...WHAT?

This isn't a commercial in the traditional sense of the word, or really in any sense of it, but the more you know right? Here at CommercialTown we like to pretend we care about the environment, so if you see a white squirrel, could you send it to me? Might need to find a taxidermist to help out, but well worth the shock factor of having a stuffed white squirrel at my apartment.

Uncle Craigy Does it Again featuring KMART

‘Tis the season, folks! And I couldn’t think of a more appropriate way to kick off Christmas commercial season than a bunch of dudes thrusting in their boxers. Nah, but seriously, pretty creative commercial by Kmart. Enough of a shock factor to get me to actually break through the clutter of most Christmas commercials and for me to actually watch it through. That being said, there’s still a negative infinity percent chance I ever step into a Kmart, but A for effort. Happy Hanukkah!

Cut That Meat!

I hate Peyton Manning, but I sure do love this commercial. Reminds me of the days when Tom Brady won 3 Super Bowls in 4 years, and your boy Peyton was like that unmarried cousin we all have...no rings.

Nationwide Baby -- The Uncle Craigy Remix

Spot on. Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t call their car their baby? I remember the feeling of getting the first scratch on my car. I was absolutely FUMING. How dare anyone make a tiny marking on my Ford Escape! Also, just how hilarious is a huge baby? When it’s crying on the fire hydrant, just too funny. Add in the music and this commercial just wins. Cars and babies. (Side note: I’ve now written two blogs and they’ve both been about children. Do I have a problem?)

-Uncle Craigy

Legend: Captain Morgan Pizza

Did Captain Morgan do it again, or did Captain Morgan do it again? Maybe I'm off base here, but ordering a delivery pizza in person is a legendary move on par with the clap-on clap-off light, Doritos Locos Tacos, and string cheese as a meal. I do, however, have one major gripe with the portrayal of this heist: these guys play it way too smooth. If I'm tying one on and gettin' shattad, I sure as hell wouldn't be suave, or smart, enough to execute this plan. Probably get the cops called on me for reckless behavior...so I guess I'd still be getting a free ride home.

Don't drink and drive! Five silver stars and half a gold one.

1997 Universal Monsters Postage Stamps Commercial

Well, the USPS sure has fallen a long way since this commercial came out sixteen years ago! Don't get me wrong, I love this commercial and surely do respect the fine members of the United States Postal Service, but this is just ridiculous to me. First of all, the USPS used taxpayer money to advertise novelty stamps right around the time email reinvented the communication game. Second of all, why was this commercial on the air? Did the USPS and Universal Studios really think that stamps should be advertised AND be used to advertise? No chance they didn't get fired, no chance.

Rating: Pretty pretty pretty good

@CommercialTown

AT&T Cutest Grape and Welcome Uncle Craigy

Before getting into the post, allow me to introduce the newest member of the CommercialTown Team: Uncle Craigy. Also known as the Craigulator, this guy means business. He enjoys drinking double digit beers on weeknights, trading over-the-counter African equities, and crying himself to sleep. Ladies and gentleman, Uncle Craigy!

Do you know how long this series of commercials have been on air? Almost a FULL YEAR! What makes this commercial truly stand out over its many predecessors is how the one girl completely steals the spotlight. These spots usually shine based on the comments of one child combined with reactions from the others. But not here, folks. We have a star in the making. I’ll never not laugh when I hear her say “Kindergarten!” Bravo, AT&T. You continue to churn out masterpiece after masterpiece. Now, maybe you should try to make your actual service half as good as your commercials.

PS. It’s absolutely terrifying that this girl is already so good at flaunting her adorableness. When she grows up, she is going to absolutely MANIPULATE boys. 

-Uncle Craigy

(EDITORS NOTE: The comments about the young lady featured in this advert are solely the opinion of Uncle Craigy and in no way are reflective of CommercialTown as an organization)

Challenge: Watch this without crying

As a full-blooded Jewish American, I never thought a Christmas ad from the UK would turn me into an emotional wreck. That is, however, until this gem found its way into my life. As I type these words, a solitary tear trickles down my cheek, ever so slightly. The weird part of it is that nobody in my office has noticed that I'm crying right now. I guess that's just par for the course these days. Everyone probably has a pool behind my back to see what time I'm gonna start crying every day. Saying things like, "Oh don't mind Sam, he's just watching commercials and crying instead of adding shareholder value again."

If this commercial can inspire someone who couldn't be further from the target audience, I can't even imagine how those Christians over in London feel. Well done again, John Lewis department stores. Merry Christmas?

Gatorade Big Heads

I don't always drink sports drinks (because I'm lazy and don't recreate), but when I do I prefer Gatorade. In my opinion, there are only two flavors of Gatorade I'd ever be caught dead with: Glacier Freeze for when I'm hungover, and Orange for those rare instances that I have enough motivation to get off the couch and do something with my life. Sometimes in the summer the Strawberry/Watermelon flavor mixes well with alcohols. Anything else, however, is simply barbaric. I legitimately ended a friendship with a kid in elementary school because he thought Fruit Punch was the best flavor...15 years later no regrets, that kid probably is unemployed or in jail now on account of poor Gatorade taste.

Also, big head commercials are funny. A-.

State of Turbulence II: Two Too Many

I will never insure myself with State Farm until the day I die. This is like the Obamacare of insurance commercials. You see it, know its going to be bad, but you can't look away and find yourself laughing at it. (EDITORS NOTE: I have no idea if Obamacare is a relevant reference, just trying to fit it in and see what happens) On one hand, I feel pretty bad for Aaron Rodgers here. He's definitely contractually obligated to be in these commercials with no creative oversight, and clearly the people over at Sterling Cooper Partners are just mailing it in at this point. On the other hand, he's raking in that cheddar and I ain't mad at that. At the end of the day, these commercials just plain suck. Grill class is stupid concept and possibly offensive to Chicagoans (is that right?) everywhere. If I were on a plane and all of a sudden people started grilling I'd be pretty fucking pissed. Like I'm trying to take a nap or read, and now here are these guys just having a grill sesh like nobody else is around. Fuck those guys, and fuck this commercial...I'm out!


h/t to Uncle Craigy for finding this...literally came out today

Pour One Out For My Childhood Dreams

Today, I consider myself to be the luckiest man on Earth. I'm a big animated movies type of guy, especially those that relate to things from my childhood -- Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is my favorite movie of all time. When I meandered across this trailer today, my jaw hung agape. "It can't be," I thought, "this must be some sort of cruel trick." Thankfully, this is not a joke...this movie is for real, featuring some of the best voice actors in the history of the modern motion picture. If someone could please direct me towards where I can gamble on the 2015 Oscars, I'd like to place 3 years of my salary on this coming home with Best Picture. I know for sure it'll beat Aquaman's box office record, so I'll probably put some schekels on that as well.

To rate this trailer would be an insult to rating things, so I'll leave it with this: Warner Brothers has earned at least one trip to the movies from this guy.

PS: I literally thought of this idea like 5 years ago

Will Ferrell Doing the Damn Thing

Will Ferrell is an evil genius. I'm almost 99.99% positive he didn't even consult with Old Milwaukee, the redheaded stepchild of beers, before going ahead and doing this. These are the types of luxuries you can afford when you are a comedy mogul, a true legend of the game. He was probably like, fuck it I'm going to Davenport, Iowa and making these videos because they're awesome and if you don't like it you can blow me. Not only are these commercials quaintly hilarious, but they remind me of my days drinking Milwaukee' Best Ice as a college freshman. Excuse me while I go cry and listen to Glory Days in the bathroom at work.

NBA on TNT

Basketball means a lot of things to a lot of people, and TNT hit the nail on the head with this one. Current stars side by side with legends of the game...it tears my heartstrings. This promo came out in December 2011 for the season opener, and despite all the anger stemming from the lockout managed to help me recall why I love this game so much. I'm literally crying right now.

Take On Me -- Volkswagen

Great music video, greater commercial. Very rarely does an advertisement hit me in such a deep, meaningful way. I legitimately want to buy a Volkswagen right now despite the fact that I already parade around town in a Japanese made luxury vehicle. Perhaps my favorite part of this commercial is that it reminded me of one of my favorite Family Guy scenes of all time:

I officially anoint Take On Me Volkswagen as the Mayor of Commercial Town.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Commercial Town is a misnomer...it does indeed have a municipal form of government. 

Cooooookie Crisp

This commercial brings me back to a simpler time, a better time. When Saturday mornings consisted of watching cartoons WITHOUT the hangover. When sitting on the couch all day was the dream, not the reality. The day my mom finally gave me permission to buy Cookie Crisp was perhaps the greatest day of my young childhood. Frantically searching for a box of it last week, however, might have been the low point in my adulthood. Cereals like Cookie Crisp changed the landscape of breakfast possibilities -- no longer did children have to wait until their first juice box at snack time to get their sugar fix. It also probably explains why so many kids ended up getting ADD, but that's another conversation for another day.

I give this commercial 3/5 syringes of insulin.

Water Country....Have Some Fun!

This commercial could not be more sentimentally valuable even if it wanted to be. If you grew up in the New England area, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If you didn't, sucks to suck. From lounging about on the Lazy River to going headfirst down Geronimo, summertime trips to Water Country helped shape me as a man, and as a member of society. Most of my trips to this fun-filled park were during my time at Jewish Summer Camp, and perhaps the most critical aspect of trip day at Water Country was stocking up on candy. You had to be strategic here, because wait until the end of the day, and the lines were longer than anything Kenny Powers put up his nose. Once I had my haul of sweets, it was time to make a profit; that's right, I bought tens of dollars worth of candy, and sold it to younger campers at a 300% mark-up.

"Don't hate the player, hate the game." - Gandhi

I couldn't track down the actual commercial played in the early to mid 2000s, earning this post a N/A rating.

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong: "Glossophobia"

This commercial is fucking stupid. Maybe this kid is afraid of public speaking because he's using his poor people google products all the time. Apple for lyfe. The end.

Four thumbs down.

Ramsey

If you look around the room on a Sunday and can't figure out who the Ramsey is...it's you. There's not much I can say about this commercial, aside from the fact that it encapsulates the entirety of what it means to be a fan of sport. We all have a Ramsey, known as  "That Guy," to some. What makes him so special, so unique, is the fact that all you need is a common allegiance and a cold case of an Bud Light to become best friends for an afternoon.

Thank you to the great people over at Anheuser-Busch for bringing this commercial into my life. I give it a gold star and a round of applause.

Ticket Oak For Days

What I wouldn’t do to go back in time and be a fly on the wall during the conception of this commercial…two words: contact high. I’m envisioning a smoke-filled room, exasperation imminent. Proposal after proposal rejected by the wholesome people over at StubHub, rumors are swirling that the agency might lose the account. In a pot-induced stupor, one guy blurts out, “Ticket Oak.” Everybody giggles. The rest, as they say, was history. I love you, Ticket Oak!

Sears Air-conditioner Commercial: Legend of the Game

Thousands, if not millions, of commercials grace the airwaves on a daily basis. Most are just an inconvenience to a viewer too lazy to change the channel, but a rare few transcend the boundaries of annoyance and speak undeniable truths to a generation. This commercial, my friends, is one of the rare few. From start to finish, it illustrates a pain we've all felt: being hot during the summer and too sedentary to take action. Eventually; however, we reach a boiling point and must take action. We're too damn hot, and we're calling Sears now. I can safely say that if my luxury apartment building lacked central air and I happened to be a pushover spineless husband living in the suburbs, the once illustrious Sears would be the first I'd call for an overpriced AC unit.

This inspirational ad receives a 9/10, and shines a beaconing light for the future of mankind.